Monday, June 1, 2009

A clear connection???

I recently found myself having one of those moments where I said "how was that in front of me the whole time and I never saw it???" You stop and wonder was I naive, was I not ready, whatever the case may be I was floored. I met this guy about 9 years ago and he's been in my life off and on ever since. We always had this weird connection and I was always very smitten but I never had that geek-out, butterfly feeling around him. You know, the one where you feel somewhat nervous like you're going to throw up and all your normal behavior starts to feel abnormal? Anyways, back story was that even if we had not spoken in 2 years, the second we saw each other we were right back where we had left off. We could talk for hours and hours on end and it was never anything physical except for the occasional embraces, hugs, hand holding, etc., but never beyond that.

I always said that he wasn't the kind of guy you date, he's the kind of guy who's your boyfriend. Let me clarify that for all the males reading this saying WTF?!? ... For most females (of course there is always exceptions) there are 2 broad categories that men fit into: there is the "dating/hang out" guy who can potentially become a serious relationship but basically they are just men who you want to go on dates and have fun with. Then there is "boyfriend/marriage" guy who you know right off the bat is someone you instantly envision yourself spending the rest of your life with. In my situation it was the latter. Maybe I was scared, wait I take that back, I was definitely scared! I have a less than stellar track record when it comes to picking men. The good ones always remain friends and I let the more toxic ones become lovers. About 3 months ago I decided to make some serious changes in my life. I'd really been working on clearing old energy and patterns. I came to the realization that I always chose toxic ones because A. I knew they wouldn't last and B. In some fucked up way I thought I was protecting myself. You see by "knowing" it wasn't going to workout I never had to let my guard down to give it a chance. I would just sabotage from the get go and put "fluff" onto my current situations so as soon as they crumbled I could take solace in saying "yeah, I saw that one coming."

But I didn't want that anymore. I wanted to be vulnerable, to open up and really let someone see me down to the very core of who I am. I looked deep within to see what I really wanted and I came to find out it was none of the things I had been seeking out. So I made one of those "lists" (don't judge) and then surrendered it to the universe and figured it will happen when and how it's supposed to. So I go hangout with my friend, the guy I've known almost a decade and I completely geeked out! I was a mess and had no idea what to do with myself. And the funny thing is that he is exactly the same as he's always, charming, intelligent, funny, strong, considerate, etc. but how come I never felt this way before? Next thing I know, it's consuming all my thoughts...when was I going to see him again?...was I sending too many texts?...Should I call or not?... I felt ridiculous and giddy all at the same time, it was actually kinda cool. What the future holds for us I really don't know but what I can say is that being able to "feel" and let go is incredible and better late than never : )